It’s been an eventful and in many ways difficult year — but we got you. As the year comes to a close, we bring you the latest installment of our advice column!
As always, we are committed to sharing our journey as we awaken our purpose as pleasure activists based in real life learning and yearnings from our interpersonal relationships, in hopes to enrich the lives of our cummunity. We are continuously exploring ways to understand ourselves, others, and reimagine the world through collaboration and honest sharing. This advice column leverages the insight of the sex KiKi collective.
Check out sex KiKi’s bulletin, our online publication for more!
This month we are digging into sexual expression, internalized misogyny, queer sex and more!
Dear sex KiKi, do you have any advice for someone (female) going from heteronormative sex, to queer lesbian sex, what can you share about lesbian sex that would be a surprise?
Q. Newbie: Dear sex KiKi, do you have any advice for someone (female) going from heteronormative sex, to queer lesbian sex, what can you share about lesbian sex that would be a surprise?
Courtney (executive video producer): Here we go!!
#1. Scissoring ain’t for everyone. The way some folks’ pleasure is set up, that clit to clit stimulation just doesn’t do it.
BUT – #2. What makes lesbian sex so damn good is that it doesn’t feel like it’s about an action or an end goal, as can be the case with heteronormative sex where penis ejaculation is an expectated outcome. There was so much space to dream and feel myself throughout the entire interaction during my lesbian sex experiences.
What surprised me was that lesbian sex felt akin to masturbation to me; an exploration of the same parts, in different strokes. Communicating what your excited about, want to try, and any reservations you may have is essential in queer sex and ethical sex, period.
Q. Let’s talk about sex: How do you express that you need something, sexually, to your partner?
Nicole (impact & outreach): This is a conversation that should happen outside of a sexual context, so it’s not brought to your partner as a surprise during a sexual encounter. Speak with your partner about what (if there’s anything) they do well sexually and that you enjoy, and emphasize what it is that you want to see from your partner. Let them know if you want more or less of something, or if you want something new entirely.
If you and your partner watch porn, you can show your partner a video or a picture to help create the image of what it is that you’re looking for. When you and your partner are engaging in sexual activity, you can also (with consent) guide your partner’s body (mouth, fingers, genitals, etc…) to show them what you are seeking. Remember to be patient with your partner while they learn and adjust to your sexual needs. Creating an environment where you both can feel comfortable exploring is essential.
How can I avoid internalizing misogynistic thoughts that appear while watching porn?
Q. Ethical Porn: How can I avoid internalizing misogynistic thoughts that appear while watching porn? HELP.
Tiffany (Events Coordinator): Quick answer — don’t watch mainstream porn! I don’t think it is possible to not internalize misogynistic (and also, racist, cis-heteronormative, exploitive etc…) thoughts while watching mainstream porn. Any site that separates their porn into categories such as those above can’t possibly be healthy. I prefer queer feminst porn for this exact reason. It’s porn not produced with a cis- hetero male gaze in mind. This includes a wide variety of people with representations including race, gender, ability, sexuality and preferences. It involves communication and consent. It involves people being fairly compensated for their work. All of this is so important to your experiences with watching porn.
I really enjoy watching porn! Porn was an educational tool for me to better understand sex. That said, it was a poor education centered around cis-men. However, I then discovered queer porn which allowed for an extraodrinatry re-education. I appreciate porn with a range of bodies and people represented. I vividly remember watching a scene with a fat black woman who giggled throughout because she was very ticklish and then had this amazing loud orgasm. I was filled with joy to finally see myself represented. (I also stopped trying to hide my ticklishness, minimizing my body or silencing my orgasms.) What I saw were two beautiful people exploring sexual and sensual play in a way that felt safe, welcoming and made for me. I didn’t have to worry about problematic thoughts because the porn didn’t present the problems. I 100% recommend the Crash Pad Series which is produced by a queer woman of color. And of course I’m thrilled to see the content that our very own KiKiTUBE is putting together to center Black trans folx & femmes in erotica!
Something on your mind? Interested in our perspective on a certain topic? Want some advice with your relationship woes? Send the sex KiKiteam a note at email@example.com DM us on IG!
(Editor’s note): Speaking of KiKiTUBE, we encourage any kinksters, pornographers, film professionals, and sex-positive enthusiasts who want to support KiKiTUBE to reach out to us! If you’re the type that prefers to support via love offering, please send them via cashapp or venmo @SKSTUDIOS. If you’d like to get involved in any capacity please reach out to Courtney Morrison our Executive Video Producer at KIKITUBE@sexkiki.net.
Also, ki up with us on the sex KiKi Podcast for more sex-positive perspectives! Our co-hosts Coriama (@kocomeow) and Angelique (@nocorset) pair each episode with a sex journal prompt to facilitate your journey towards deeper intimacy and pleasure. If you’d like us share your entry or thoughts on future episodes contact us via podcast@sexKiKi.net. You can find past sex journal prompts via our Instagram highlights!
Happy New Year! xx